Streaming some consciousness.

Lately I've been considering myself and my identity, who I am and what I want people to see. I'd thought about the parts I've played in the past for the sake of being popular or because I was clinging so hard to control my life at the time. For too many years, I had not been the type to sit back and look for the good in life, until I began to reflect on that very thing about a year ago.

The events of my life since I came of age turned me into a bit of a control freak. I wasn't so concerned with controlling others, but I had this burning need to utterly dominate my own life. Very quickly, life turned from something I wanted control of so I could enjoy it to something I simply tried to wrestle into submission. And I forgot why. I was too focused on how bitter I was at the time I'd wasted that I didn't take the time to enjoy what I had. I wanted to be seen, so I became loud and outspoken. I wanted people to know I was a force to be reckoned with, so I made myself fearsome. Clad in black with a splash of my own favorite color, adorned with spikes and heavy boots, I was Sam. Hear me growl.

Then, over a year ago, I started to remember things. I remembered what made me happy. I remembered a spirit that was buried inside me that I'd kept locked away. I used to travel all the time just to see new things. I never lived in one place too long, because I would grow restless. I used to delight in just being amongst people and talking with them. I used to long to do more than just shout along with the music. There followed experiments and thoughts about what could be, but I was hesitant. Could I really embrace this thing that was coming to be known as Violetta?

The more I tried, the more I began to love this new state of being. I was not bitter, but invigorated. I wanted to do things, enjoy things, learn things... I began to take on the appearance to match this newfound liberation. My skin is no longer snow white. My hair is adorned with violet rather than dyed the color. For months now, I have worn flowing skirts rather than strapped pants. Tunics and bodices replaced the t-shirts. And boots? Well, I do not even remember the last time I tried to wear them.

I am happy with myself. With being Violetta, a walking anachronism. And yet, my identity is not satisfactory. The consensus with many seems to be that I am "Sammi," a name that, to me, embodies a filtered, watered down form of the vicious girl that was supposed to be likable and more popular. I haven't even signed as that since May of '08. And that is why I do not sign as Violetta. I went as Sam, and I was still known as Sammi. And now, after all the changes and all the time that's passed, I begin to fear that my identity is at the whim of the masses. If they wish me to be one thing, then that is what I shall be, regardless of my own actions. Perhaps unfounded, but a fear none the less.

The recent events of my life have made me consider certain things like where I may move, what I'll do with myself, and how I'll get by. It seems to be a time of big changes looming ahead. Perhaps I need a fresh start digitally as well...

And onto a better one.

I'm writing one of the hardest things I've ever written. Around 11:00 am today, October 29th, Traci A. Dunham passed away in her sleep. She was the kindest, most selfless persons I've ever had the pleasure to know, and she did so much more for me than I was ever able to properly thank her for. Now her room sits empty, Jamie and I having had our chance to say our final goodbyes to her.

At forty-nine, she was far too young for my liking to be taken, but the Lord chose that time for her. She was at peace, and she went without pain. And so long as I live, I know I will never meet another person just like her. She was family to me, as was I to her. Her loss is one I will always feel, until we meet again.

Traci A. Dunham; January 10, 1960 - October 29, 2009

God be with you.

I'll probably pay a visit tomorrow to the Catholic church nearby. It's just down the road a ways, I haven't attended church in over a decade, though, let alone a Catholic one specifically.

Anyone got any advice for a long lost girl returning to the flock?

... buy an umbrella.

First off, I want to give my sincerest thanks to everyone who responded in my last journal. I'd have replied to each one personally, but time is uncertain, and I don't know how long I have at a computer for any length of time.

Things haven't been going too well around here. With her illness not showing any signs of stopping, we took Traci to the hospital last Tuesday night. Nearly midnight, so it's fair to say she's been staying there since Wednesday. She's been through all manner of tests and antibiotics and anti-fungal medications, and finally the results are in today.

The reason she hadn't shown any improvements is esophageal cancer which has metastasized to her lungs. The oncologist will speak to her tomorrow about treatment, but for now all we can do is pray and be there for her. Some of the bills are taken care of, and the house is safe for the time being, but it's crunch time in our happy home.

I cannot guarantee how quickly I can work, as you've seen how slow I've been to post even the last few pieces of art, but I'm also officially opening for commission. I'm willing to take on artwork, and Jamie's willing to take on stories. It's not something I've really done much before, but right now we're in a scary place. We're trying to stay together and keep things from falling apart, and until I have steadier work, this seems like the best bet.

That said, I'm not sure what else to do. I've been spending most of my time at the hospital with her, and we've had as many of her friends and family come by whenever they can.

Things sure don't get easier, do they?

Because my brain feels like it's been run over by a garbage truck.

September was a bust, as you might've noticed. I got nothing done, and I don't know when I'll manage to get any new art up. I've got lots of mostly completed sketches on paper, and no time and a sore lack of motivation to get the on my computer for finishing. I've even had a couple of them in Photoshop for a couple of weeks already. Even had some Etherworld waiting, hoping to get it relaunched, but I got nothin'.

My birthday's a week away now, and for the first time in a long time, I'm not excited about it. I'll be 27, and I feel like I'm a damn loser. Meanwhile, for the last month, Traci's had the plague or something. I've been spending most of my time and energy trying to do what I can to promote her health, but she's not really showing any signs of getting better. This'll likely mean that because she needs assistance to do pretty much anything, I'll not be doing anything for the aforementioned birthday.

Joyous...

I'm at the end of my rope. I've been giving all the strength the Lord's giving me, but I'm still feeling drained. Want to go to church, but having to care for an invalid really makes that impossible. And that sucks harder, since before she got sick I'd already found a Catholic church I wanted to try. Yeah, it took some time and a lot of advice from people, but I think I settled on trying that out. Theoretically, of course, since time is not on my side.

Top this off with my friend Eric passing away right before this health drama went down, and it's not been a good... month and a half. So, if you guys have been wondering "Where's the art!?," there's your answer. It's out there, somewhere, but I can't give any promises on when it'll show up. Even the sequel image to the Kanasta/Violetta picture's MIA for a while, and that makes me feel even worse after all the build-up.

Ciao, amici.

I should go find a bottle to crawl into...