Streaming some consciousness.

Lately I've been considering myself and my identity, who I am and what I want people to see. I'd thought about the parts I've played in the past for the sake of being popular or because I was clinging so hard to control my life at the time. For too many years, I had not been the type to sit back and look for the good in life, until I began to reflect on that very thing about a year ago.

The events of my life since I came of age turned me into a bit of a control freak. I wasn't so concerned with controlling others, but I had this burning need to utterly dominate my own life. Very quickly, life turned from something I wanted control of so I could enjoy it to something I simply tried to wrestle into submission. And I forgot why. I was too focused on how bitter I was at the time I'd wasted that I didn't take the time to enjoy what I had. I wanted to be seen, so I became loud and outspoken. I wanted people to know I was a force to be reckoned with, so I made myself fearsome. Clad in black with a splash of my own favorite color, adorned with spikes and heavy boots, I was Sam. Hear me growl.

Then, over a year ago, I started to remember things. I remembered what made me happy. I remembered a spirit that was buried inside me that I'd kept locked away. I used to travel all the time just to see new things. I never lived in one place too long, because I would grow restless. I used to delight in just being amongst people and talking with them. I used to long to do more than just shout along with the music. There followed experiments and thoughts about what could be, but I was hesitant. Could I really embrace this thing that was coming to be known as Violetta?

The more I tried, the more I began to love this new state of being. I was not bitter, but invigorated. I wanted to do things, enjoy things, learn things... I began to take on the appearance to match this newfound liberation. My skin is no longer snow white. My hair is adorned with violet rather than dyed the color. For months now, I have worn flowing skirts rather than strapped pants. Tunics and bodices replaced the t-shirts. And boots? Well, I do not even remember the last time I tried to wear them.

I am happy with myself. With being Violetta, a walking anachronism. And yet, my identity is not satisfactory. The consensus with many seems to be that I am "Sammi," a name that, to me, embodies a filtered, watered down form of the vicious girl that was supposed to be likable and more popular. I haven't even signed as that since May of '08. And that is why I do not sign as Violetta. I went as Sam, and I was still known as Sammi. And now, after all the changes and all the time that's passed, I begin to fear that my identity is at the whim of the masses. If they wish me to be one thing, then that is what I shall be, regardless of my own actions. Perhaps unfounded, but a fear none the less.

The recent events of my life have made me consider certain things like where I may move, what I'll do with myself, and how I'll get by. It seems to be a time of big changes looming ahead. Perhaps I need a fresh start digitally as well...